


Counting Sheep and Bullet Holes

by PinkLynx



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Comfort, Eiji is soft, M/M, Nightmare, Nose Kiss, Self-Hatred, Sleeping Together, Spoilers for Ep 9, Trauma, a bit of horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 07:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18069350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkLynx/pseuds/PinkLynx
Summary: “Ash raised his head to look at Eiji, just about perceptible in the moonlight, whose coffee-coloured eyes gazed back, bloodshot in contrast to their usual doe-like appearance.”Some nightmares never leave, but love can soften the blow.





	Counting Sheep and Bullet Holes

Click.

It was almost midnight when Ash returned to the apartment. Softly, he closed the front door, twisting the key to lock it, then checking the handle multiple times to ensure it wouldn’t open. Once satisfied, he shuffled out of his tattered, dirt-stained sneakers and left them next to the door - he could still hear the echoes of Eiji’s voice dripping with distaste as he trudged through their apartment in his shoes when they first moved in together.

Thinking of Eiji, he wandered quietly towards their shared bedroom, careful not to disturb the floorboards. Despite the abundance of spare rooms in the 8 million dollar apartment, Ash had insisted that they still sleep in the same room on the basis that it would be safer for Eiji to have a protector. As time went by, however, he found himself seeking visual reassurance more and more often, checking that, yes, Eiji was there and, yes, he was breathing and, no, he was not lying in a pool of blood on the floor of Golzine’s execution chamber.

And, yes, he had murdered his best friend instead.

Hands shaking slightly at this memory, Ash gripped the handle and opened the door - the metal was cold, but the bedroom was cocooned with warmth.

Eiji lay fast asleep on his bed on top of the covers, bedside lamp still aglow, evidently failing in another attempt to stay awake for Ash’s arrival back home. The guilt ran riot in Ash. How could he face him, knowing that he had come home at an ungodly hour again after murdering another mafia goon or rival gang member in cold blood? And how was Eiji able to smile so sweetly every time, knowing the true monster he is?

He turned off the lamp, taking a moment to glance at Eiji’s peaceful expression illuminated by the moonlight, before slipping out of his blood-speckled clothes and pulling on some pyjamas. Having fished it out of his waistband when removing his jeans, he placed his gun - a Smith and Wesson 357 Magnum - on top of the bedside table. Sighing, he then sat down on the edge of his bed, staring at his hands. His eyes traced every scratch, graze and imperfection woven into the skin, noting the callouses peppered along where he would grip a gun and-

_Disgusting_.

_Repulsive_ , he thought.

_Monst_ —

“Hmph...”

Ash snapped his head up, looking toward’s Eiji as he began to whimper and shuffle in his sleep.

“N-no... Shor-Shorter...”

Ash could feel his breath catch and his blood run cold at the mention of Shorter’s name. His heartbeat echoed hauntingly throughout his body, causing his head to ache and the corners of his mind to be tinged black. A nightmare. A nightmare that he had caused. A nightmare he was helpless to protect Eiji from.

A light gasp alerted Ash to Eiji’s awakening.

“Ashu?”

And in a moment, the blackness seeping into the corners of his mind disappeared. Ash found Eiji’s sleepy, muddled mispronunciation of his name rather endearing, if he was honest, and refreshingly grounding. Even if he loved to joke about it sounding as though Eiji was sneezing, especially when he called his name multiple times in a row, he truly found that the simple word had the power to send a wave of warmth through his heart.

Ash raised his head to look at Eiji, just about perceptible in the moonlight, whose coffee-coloured eyes gazed back, bloodshot in contrast to their usual doe-like appearance.

Without a word being spoken, Ash shuffled under his duvet, raising the edge as a gesture for Eiji to join him. Seconds later, Eiji had hopped across the chilly floorboards and crawled into Ash’s bed, snuggling alongside him.

Was it childish to seek comfort after a nightmare, like little boys would do? But that’s what they were - just boys, wasn’t it? Boys caught up in an inescapable war of gangs, drugs and gunpowder.

“Thank you,” Eiji whispered, closing his eyes and tucking his head under Ash’s chin, face gently pressed into his chest.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Eiji shook his head.

“I just want to hear your heartbeat, to know you’re alive,” the Japanese boy replied, turning his head slightly to position his ear next to Ash’s heart.

Hearing these words brought a soft smile to Ash’s lips. Lightly, he traced his fingers through the pitch black strands of hair, while he wrapped his other arm comfortingly around Eiji’s shoulders. This earned him a cute moment of Eiji snuggling up to him, reciprocating his affection by placing his own hand on Ash’s side.

After a few minutes of sharing each other’s warmth, their breathing evened out as they drifted off to sleep.

 

* * *

 

The stench of damp permeated the stale air of Golzine’s execution chamber. Ash’s hands ached, bound tightly above his head in icy chains, as he stood like a disgraced masterpiece, framed beneath the wooden centrepiece of the dungeon. Menacingly, the heartless chuckles of Dino’s acquaintances echoed around him, sending nauseating vibrations through his core.

Tilting his head upwards, he could see a figure approaching - _no_ \- Shorter stumbling towards him. He looked ragged, tired, and angry; tears poured over his cheeks as his scratched hands reached forwards to attempt to grab Ash. Before him, the skin of Shorter’s chest began to curl open, blood spurting out of the hole in front of his heart and leaving a messy pool building up on the floor. With one more step, Ash’s friend collapsed, lifeless - then, as though someone had pressed fast forward, his flesh began to rot and deteriorate sickeningly.

At his feet, the pool of blood swelled, morphing into a sea of red hands that began to claw their way up his legs. He could feel each rough wrinkle, each jagged fingernail, each hairy knuckle, all anchoring him to ground and rendering him immobile. They climbed further, grappling now at his thighs as yet more emerged to join the game.

No matter how hard he tried, he could not close him eyes to the horror before him. Instead, the manic chuckles grew deafeningly loud, the touches of the hands more forceful, until-

Shaking violently, Ash snapped awake. Panic soared through him; he could feel a warm body next to him (a rapist?) and he automatically used all the force he could muster to shove them off the bed, away from him. Scrambling backwards, his fingers locked upon his gun, picking it up off the table and readying himself to shoot, as he ducked behind his side of the bed. His breathing was frenzied, his mind haphazardly failing to piece together his surroundings - he could only see black, yet he peeked over the edge of the bedcovers, finger poised on the trigger.

“Ash? Are you okay?”

Cautiously, Eiji sat up, glancing a little nervously over his side of the bed. Realisation drained the colour from Ash’s face.

First, the gun clattered to the floor.

Followed by Ash stumbling backwards until he met the wall with a thud, strangled wails, yells and screams escaping from his mouth. He buried his face in his palms, tears flowing freely through his fingers and stomach lurching dangerously as he tried to grasp what he could have done to Eiji. Like a film reel, his mind played out the possibilities, until all he could see was Eiji’s lifeless body strewn across the floor, bullet hole through his forehead, crimson blood soaking into the dishevelled bedsheets. He could see the glossy eyes rolling back, frozen with an expression of pure fear - another victim of the ruthless, murderous, cold-hearted Lynx. Maybe Golzine, Yut-Lung and all those other bastards were right, he thought, in calling him the devil.

That sounded fitting.

‘The _Devil_ ’

Quickly, though, he was brought from the dungeons of his imagination by Eiji shaking his shoulders gently and calling his name. Repulsed by himself, Ash shrunk away from Eiji’s touch.

“Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?”

Silence.

“I will never be scared of you,” Eiji whispered softly and lovingly, as though he could read his thoughts. He gazed into Ash’s eyes as the blond began to lift his head at hearing these words; those emerald pools were swimming with self-hatred and Eiji wanted to do nothing more than to banish it.

“I don’t think you’re a monster, or a wildcat, or a devil as others say,” he continued. “I love the American boy who hates natto, who is a dreadful morning person, who is terrified of pumpkins. I love you, Ash.”

Tentatively, Eiji brought his hands to Ash’s face, tenderly sweeping away the runaway tears. It wasn’t much, but it seemed to do the trick, because Ash proceeded to bury his face in Eiji’s pyjama top, taking shaky, uneven breaths as he desperately soaked up his warmth and felt his rhythmic heartbeat. Neither of them moved for minutes, at least not until Ash had calmed down enough to sit up with a light sigh.

“Hot chocolate?” Eiji offered, standing up to wander into the kitchen and turn the kettle on. Ash replied with a small nod and a grateful smile, albeit not an entirely satisfied one - he still felt a bit nervous about letting Eiji be exposed to him and his volatile life.

A few minutes later, footsteps returned, and Ash was carefully passed a steaming mug of rich hot chocolate. He had remained sitting on the floor, now shuffled slightly towards the window so that he could look out at the enigmatic cityscape of New York. Eiji climbed back under the covers of Ash’s bed and lay on his side, looking across the room towards the younger boy’s silhouette, framed by the twinkling skyline.

Wordlessly, Ash drank while Eiji watched, until he had finished the mug, standing up to return it to the kitchen sink. Upon re-entering the bedroom, Ash noticed the steady rise and fall of Eiji’s chest and the dark eyelashes resting against unblemished cheeks.

Yes, he was tempted to climb back into the bed and cuddle up to Eiji, but he couldn’t. Out of fear that he would hurt him again, as though that was the only thing he was capable of, he thought, he instead climbed into Eiji’s bed, where he lay silently until sleep claimed him once more.

 

* * *

  

Morning rays poured across the room - being a naturally early riser, Eiji was the first to wake up, realising Ash’s absence. Groaning a little as his eyes grew accustomed to the light, he rolled over to see Ash soundly asleep in the adjacent bed.

A little tired, a little cold, and a little worried, Eiji stood up and padded over to the other bed, climbing in with care so as to not wake Ash. In the moment, it didn’t matter that a loaded gun and bloodied clothes decorated the floor - no - it simply mattered that Eiji could see Ash in a rare moment of peacefulness. He closed his eyes, focusing on the American’s gentle breaths as he settled down for a few more minutes of rest.

A little while later, the silence was interrupted by a soft groan and a croaky, sleep-ridden voice.

“Eiji?”

Ash was a little surprised, of course, but not exactly displeased to see the sleeping figure that had sneakily joined him at some point. At the mention of his name, Eiji’s dark eyelashes fluttered open, and he smiled up at Ash.

“Good morning, Ash,” the raven-haired boy murmured, his eyes wandering upwards until both pairs met, blinking slightly in the bright light. Hesitantly, he brought their faces closer until the tips of their noses touched; he gently nuzzled the tip of his nose against Ash’s for a few moments before pulling back and moving to stand up.

“Time to get out of bed,” Eiji prompted with a grin. Ash’s cheeks flushed a little. This tantalising domesticity was not lost on him, in fact, he craved moments like these and savoured them when they came.

Naturally, he still couldn’t take his mind off the plaguing event that had taken place that night, but he could at least allow himself a few seconds of bliss when Eiji tempted him so dearly. He didn’t think he would ever be able to forget such a horrific scene - how could he? - but at the very least he could try to make up for it in these moments. This didn’t seem impossible when Eiji had the power to make him feel safe and protected and _loved_.

He must have appeared a little dumbstruck, because the prompt was swiftly followed up with some empty threats of adding natto or tofu sandwiches to the breakfast menu, earning some mock horror from Ash and a few chuckles from Eiji in return.

Even if he couldn’t completely forgive himself yet, Ash thought, he could at least allow himself to feel at home around Eiji.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and I hope this was an alright first attempt at Banana Fish fanfic! If you would like, please feel free to leave a comment... <3


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